Things get unfinished. The house is filthy. I stay up way too late. If I had a quiet studio with all the time in the world I probably wouldn't be sitting here freaking about the ideas I don't have. But why hypothosize? I have to get over it. But what I do need are ideas, I do need to organize the the thoughts in my head into an outline. Ugh. My brain and body hurts thinking about that.

I feel like I'm out of shape physically, I want to burn off all the stress I feel everyday. I was glad to connect with Misty, she expressed exactly what I've been feeling with great honesty. Stuff about parenthood you never get told is how hard it is all the time. You can't let the TV baby sit, but what if all you want to do is watch TV? I don't want my kids watching scary stuff that I watch. When none of us have slept very well because one kid wakes every few hours because of teething, or constipation, or to use the potty, or because of sickness, you don't get those hours back. If you do it's not right away. Those times when your kids want you to play and all you want is adult interaction. I know I've had days that I just cry and cry because I've made my poor children endure tasks just cuz Mama needs something for herself. It's not fair for them. These days should be so precious right? I should enjoy every moment that they are small and sweet. That's what you hear from middle aged moms in check-out lines. But would they offer to watch my kids for free while I go to school? Probably not, they've done their time. It feels horrible to say that sort of thing, but I feel my strength being sap-sapped from me some days.

That's why my artwork has incorporated my kids so much. Part of me would like to continue that theme but I'm scared. The big dark hairy monster of the art world doesn't smile kindly on subject matter such as little kids. But when I painted that portrait of Josiah (Lifeblood) it has nothing cute about it. It's a bit eery I think. I want to do more of those. I want to do HUGE paintings that only fit in a minivan (hinthint). I guess I'm starting to get ideas...thank God, because this post is waaaay too long.

P.S. I want everyone in blogland to know that I love my kids very much. The hard things are not important most of the time. They have made me stronger. But I will always write about the hard things because someone has to. I also want you to know that after Josiah woke up from his nap this afternoon he curled up in my lap as small as his 37" can get and snuggled for a good 10 minutes and wouldn't let me get up. For a 3 year old, that's rare. I guess he knew his sister gave me a hard time this morning, and that my first day in class was crappy. thanks Jos!

You and me both, girl.

Life always seems bleaker when you're sleep deprived. Sometimes I go to bed praying for a miracle--a full night's sleep. And then feel angry that God didn't give it to me when I REALLY needed it...like NOW, God! I need sleep, now! But He knows what I need, and gives me many sanctifying moments at 3.30 am. I wish I could say that I FEEL more sanctified...

Hey, you don't have to give the art world cherub faced babies, that isn't your style anyway. You have a unique perspective that so many of the weirdos don't have anyway--like you're a real mom.

I guess I'm a middle aged mom- closer to 40 than 30- and I wonder about having another child. My oldest is almost 11 and my youngest is only 5. I always am amazed at moms who have children close in age. How do you do that? I think you are doing wonderful things for and with your children. I'm a wife with a messy house and a frustrated husband, a mom to two wonderful children who I would rather play with outside than almost anything else, teacher of elementary gifted, and various other roles (soccer mom, ptl president, and student among them). I wish I could tell you it will get easier but the challenges just seem to change. But you are handling it well and you have God and people in your life who can help/support your endeavors. Best of luck with everything.

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I had a rough week and kind of feel like you are talking about me. And I want to chime in that I loved doing assemblage when I was in school. One of our student teachers was doing something for a masters that had to do with assemblage. It was a very free way to create that really let me express myself.

Thanks for sharing, Katie. We all need to hear the struggles and honesty of other parents. Makes us feel more real, less alone.

Paint your heart. What was it that got Best in Show? Mmm-hmm. And God knows there's so much non-Cassatt in parenthood that needs to be painted, screams to be painted. Give me the eery.

Hi Kati, greetings from Germany! How are you? Say hi to the family! Love u Anni

I heard from your mother about your disappointing day. What the hell. That's where those lines in our faces come from, and those hunched shoulders. Stories of the struggle to be told. Did I ever tell you that right after I swtiched my major to music, the piano teacher left Covenant and his successor was a lousy teacher?
Much later,the whole Blue Believer album was a sorry frustrating experience of wannabe art, orchestrated by Hans and hated by Beth, and sold by me on the road night after night. It was enough to make me a smoker, but not a drunk, thank our loving and merciful God.
Beth says you looked really cute on your way to school this morning.
Did you get my email about 'why it matters'?
Well, I gotta go burn a copy of Blue Believer for a web order, ha, ha!