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January 31, 2005

Reflection 1

Here's a reflection of what my worries encompassed when Josiah was new. He's a skinny boy. A little monkey. Long and lean. Babies aren't supposed to be like that, right? Well, I beg to differ. Our babies will never be fat. But I must admit when I see photos like this one where he's so so skinny, it makes me sad. There was nothing, nothing I could do. God gave me a healthy son who happened to be in the 5th percentile on weight for the first 6 months of his life (except for the moment he was born).
The doc's never told me to change what I was doing. But I cried, alot. When Josiah throws up I can't help but remember the fear. What goes in must stay in. Don't get skinnier little boy. He's been sick to his stomach and I've watched as my baby becomes a child and reacts to his stummy feeling bad with groans, snuggles and comments. Instead of spontaneous barfing he makes a grimace, reaches for me to hold him. We snuggle for a while. He licks his lips, and you see his tongue rolling around in his mouth. He's gonna yak. Tonight he yakked in the tub, a bit of a blessing. But I'm so used to having a boy with long monkey legs and arms and a belly to round him off. No belly for the past couple days. He lives off juice and crackers and applesauce. So that pain sneaks in again of having an underweight child. I really have to thank God for such gracious friends and even strangers during that period. I never got terrible comments.
And he was healthy! Praise God! He did all the things babies do and I lived with the fact his arms and legs were swimming in his onesies. He wore onesies until he was one because his pants wouldn't stay up without the friction, he had no waist. And still really doesn't.

So I pray tonight that Josiah will be healed. Not that I'm worried he'll starve, but because I'm tired of being sick and dealing with sickness. I want his birthday to be a true celebration of health, joy, life and the future. And I am truly thankful that my son is now nothing to be concerned about. When he barfs I clean it up and in an half hour hand him his juice, "You'll be alright," I say to him and to myself.

mommy time | By katiek | 9:27 PM

The Ice Tree

Have I said how much I love the dogwood outside off of our deck? I probably have at other times of the year. This weekend it was the model for a glorious ice show. Although, I've seen enough ice storms here in the south to not be so impressed by them anymore, I still take pictures dutifully to prove that we do get cold weather. It's usually not white, and this ice is a lot more dangerous than snow. We spent the weekend under house arrest watching are newly installed Basic Cable package. We wouldn't need cable (and I really don't condone it) except we need a better internet and you can't get internet cable without TV cable unless you pay and arm and a leg. Comcast, freakin' dictators of cable TV.

The joys of ice storm House Arrest
Since we have come out of the woods in the head cold area it was time for Josiah to relive his stomack flu from a year ago. Which means I've been blogging for about a year! Yes, being trapped inside your house with a sick kid brings activities to mind that you would normally put off. Of course being pregnant has curbed alot of this with just couching and watching movies. Watched the Terminal and Prisoner of Azkaban. Both were satisfying. Something about Harry Potter, it doesn't give me nightmares. Even though some of those characters were freaky!!

My art history class and other recent things I've seen on PBS has brought a serious craving for going back to Europe. There was a brief thing on Norway last night and they showed a good 10 minutes on Bergen. Ahhhh-Bergen! It rains 300 days of the year! Things like trains, narrow roads, greenest green mountains, random sheep, still bodies of water and cobblestone sidewalks... I want to go to Europe! It might take me 5 years but I'll go!

Josiah turns two on Thursday!! My little boy is no longer a baby. He's a skinny kid just like his dad. Of course barfing helps the illusion of ultimate skinny-ness. He's so fun, and I wouldn't rewind for anything, but Joel and I are both ready for our little girl. When Joel dances around the kitchen with Josiah he says, "I need a little girl to dance with." I sit back and think about being a female role-model. Is it twisted that I'm imagining having a teenager already? Eden is starting to make me very uncomfortable. Kicking me all night and rolling around right after I've eaten. Ugh. I'm feeling big and I'm only 25 weeks! We'll have a party for Josiah this Saturday with a small group. The Perkins, The Worrels, hopefully Jadon will be there, his Ward grandparents, and Cat. We invited Aunt Amy, but you know how busy college life can be! I just hope I'm 100% and Josiah is 100% for the party. I feel like I've been battling sickness forever!

family | By katiek | 4:20 PM

January 26, 2005

Sleepless Nights

Our little family has had The Cold to end all colds for about a week and a half now. I'm in the aweful stages of it, which, thankfully is the sign it's ending. Blogging is nice, since my voice is almost gone and I can't communicate with the normal world. Just ordering my latte is like yelling into the drive-thru box. Sheesh. One of the bizarre things is that I can hardly sleep because of all my symptoms. I was told that I could take regular Robitussin and Sudafed, cough drops, and Tylenol (of course, the tried and true). I don't remember having a cold this bad with Josiah, but I'm certain pregnancy makes stuff worse. I remember when Joel and I went with the Perkins to a cabin January 03 and I was huge pregnant with Jos and Lynn was really sick with bronchial fun and pregnancy with Gid. The guys went for a hike, asked me if I wanted to come (hah!). Lynn soaked in the tub for a hour and I watched cable TV in our woodland cabin. I'm not certain but I think pregnancy made Lynn's bronchitis flare up faster and more intense. But Lynn takes hour long baths anyway...

So back to my sleeplessness. It's really annoying at first when you think you will sleep. But now that I've gone since Friday night with no more than 5 hours a night I come to be thankful for that. Last night I bid my husband farewell and slept by myself on the futon. Much better. But as I floated in and out of sicknessy slumber I began to think about a few certain things. I thought about art. It helps that I had class last night. I have a painting I'm working on that looks horrible now, but I'm trying to find the subjects to combine. Also I'm hoping each day I won't feel like the walking dead.
Subjects that came to mind:
window panes
glass jars
gold leaf or silver accents
worship, whom do you serve
empty vessel, ready for use
no figures (amazing!)

But yeah, it's like trying to recall a dream. Maybe tonight I'll have a notebook next to my box of Kleenex.

***

An inncoent trip to the library posed an unlikely attack on a poor handmade dinosaur:
ARRGH!

After a morning of thrifting and library Storytime we came home to find all the kids from next door home from school.
This is the house I affectionately call the Chucky Cheese. One of the older boys saw Josiah lingering at the threshold of our yard and invited him to come play in The Ball Pit.
After about 10 minutes of romping with the older boys I saw we needed to go in, but not without discovering that the reason all the kids were home was that their cousin, Mack, had died. Mack lived with Luther and Angela next door for a while and we exchanged hellos. He'd offer to cut our lawn, etc... He seemed a little slow, maybe, for a full grown man. I didn't have the heart to ask this 11 yr old boy why Mack died. I noticed he wasn't living there anymore, I wondered if he was sick. No one in that house ever seemed like a trouble-maker so I doubt it was foul play of any sort. They're a God-fearing family. Luther Sr. is a youth pastor for their church.
It was interesting to see all these kids, all cousins, playing basketball and romping in The Ball Pit talking about how, "Mack is in a better place." I like our neighbors. It's kinda too bad, the kids are just a little to old to play with Josiah everyday without me being there to pick him up all the time. The youngest, Markus (called Paulo), is four and he sweetly said, "I should ask my mama if you can come sleep-over some night Josiah." Someday...

community | By katiek | 3:40 PM

January 24, 2005

The Plague

I am a pretty healthy person. But it's tough when you're stricken with the world's most annoying head-cold and you can't take anything for it. Or don't feel right about taking anything. Normally, I would just lie in bed and do what ever I could to get over it. But I have an 7:45 wake up call: my son Josiah. He's sick as a doggie-dog too and it takes longer for him to get over it. I don't usually take cold medicine because it just prolongs sickness normally. But I have not slept more than 4 hours the past few nights with chest wrenching coughs and a totally plugged up nose. At 4:30 last night I thought, "I have to have a sinus infection..." But no, I'm just exhausted.

A good weekend to be sick though. No plans, lots of couching, and three movies from the mailbox! We watched Garden State and Dodgeball. Very different movies but each had what you needed, I guess. Part of me thought that Garden State would be funny. And it had funny moments. But I enjoyed it. A bit of a let down ending. Lots of psychological stuff throughout and issues and the end it just "Let's make this work!!" Like that's a wrap up, not really, that's the beginning of the trial, right?
Dodgeball was aweful, and perverted. Last weekend we rented Old School from BB with a non-new-release coupon and I laughed my took-ess off! Vince Vaughn's character was so funny as the side guy and not the main character.
My hubby earned extra- super points this weekend as he took Josiah with him on a few errands, one of which was loading a large eBay item we sold to Staples to UPS it. The thing weighed 45 lbs!! Never again. This mama wasn't lifting it! The other super awesome hubby chore was cleaning out the screened in porch so we can use it this spring. I have dreams of hammocks, Japanese lanterns, kids toys, camping chairs. Nursing Eden while Josiah plays with whatever we got out there. The floor is just cement slab, and I would love to paint it and maybe put something fun for the kids on the floor like a train track or shapes and numbers. Maybe the alphabet, or flowers. My mom suggested getting a wading pool for right outside the screen door towards our back yard. Awesome. Since we are in the South insects are a wretched problem come summer. Wasps invaded this porch last summer and although I saw no nests in the actual porch I can't imagine having the gumption to chase them down and destroy them all. I'm not freaked by bugs, it just is another reason to not use your porch, you know? Our house is 1700 square feet. This does not include the full basement, screened in porch, attic and two car garage (that is closed off). We also have a huge backyard.
You might say, "Wow guys!" But it is a bit overwhelming. All that space requires responsibility and after a year of living here we are just now moving the remodeling garbage from the side porch to the basement until we get a truck to haul it to the dump. But what makes me want to work on it is Josiah. As he gets bigger he needs more space to frollick. Gone are the days where I could sit and watch Law and Order re-runs and nurse all day long. It's go go go until 7:30 and then it's toddler melt-down. I want very much to use all our space for the right purpose and as I swept our screened in porch I felt good. Even though I can't breathe out of my nose.

family | By katiek | 3:56 PM

January 21, 2005

House on Wheels

As I was driving to return my art book yesterday 4 cop cars stopped a major intersection (Barrett Parkway and Dallas Hwy). I thought it was for a funeral, since folks around here seem to think everyone that dies needs traffic to stop for them, but no it was for a house. A Big Ol' House!
Part One:
Part Two:

Oh and because I love to pass on happy things: LynnP wanted me to blog how I cook my salmon. Even though I'm not supposed to eat that much salmon while pregnant, this is the simplest way to make it: Get a bag of salmon filets from Aldi (they ROCK) and defrost them. I recommend not using the microwave no matter how many cool setting it has (ok Lynn). Marinate in lemon juice for about as long as it takes your oven to preheat to broil. Put on broiler pan, sprinkle with dill, salt and pepper, and a dallop of sour cream. Broil for literally 3 minutes. Check it by running your fork down the fish to see if it seperates/flakes a little, it should be done! It may get smokey in your kitchen, but it's good and simple! Tastes good cold on crackers as well!

Something I'm considering at our church. Kinda pricey but they have childcare and it's too scary to ignore! Have I said I'm getting a baby shower for Eden from our church! It's awesome! Got a call today asking what restaurant I would want it at!! Woo Hoo!

community | By katiek | 3:53 PM

The Flesh

I have to leave my house 1 hour before my class starts at 6:30 in order to get there without having a heart attack. This is mostly because I am 6 months pregnant and hauling my butt across campus in the cold makes for unpleasant panting and some cramping. That's Atlanta. I'm not getting on 75N or 285, the reputable gridlock captains, I'm just driving down Ye Ol' Barrett Parkway and waiting for 15 minutes in a parking garage for someone to give me a space. I wonder if I could get handicap priviledges? Oh for it to be like Publix wherer they have "expectant mom" parking...

So my last entry I said I was going to that reception on Wednesday night. I didn't, mostly because the Flesh is weak. I will have to fight extreme exhaustion eventually to just make it to class at all. It is good for me though, it means that twice a week I'm getting about 10 minutes of cardio that I wouldn't have done at all. I guess I should be thankful. But I did go yesterday with Josiah in tow to the Library Gallery and (after being accousted by an AJC salesperson) got to get a sneak peek at what we were to hear lecture about that evening. I don't want to stoop to the level of complaining about my prof because I'm over all that, but she's got a full plate this year and she's kinda absent from our class. For example, we discuss the place and agenda for last night's lecture on Tuesday and go over where it is and that it is required, we will have to write a paper on it etc... I find the lecture hall (the 4th place I've had to find for class attendance already this semester) and see that I have ten minutes. I run into another girl from my class and we exchagne pleasantries until we realize it's 5 past and no one else from our class is around. We go back to the Library Gallery where everyone is. Ugh! I don't like it when I don't know where to go and there are no directions, no people, no one to guide you the right way! But no worries, we attended the full lecture. I took notes like mad because we had a paper due on these 3 French artists, they were speaking with no amplification and with strong accents, had no set lecture for us, and we were sitting on the floor of the gallery, a non-classroom setting. I wanted to make sure I had tons of info to go from because I wasn't sure what I could or couldn't understand. It was comtemporary art, bizarre, minimalist, no point, performance art. I took a lot of notes.

A couple of the pieces were quite beautiful:
[this is not Anne's photo, this is the Freud Museum]

Continue reading "The Flesh"

fine art | By katiek | 3:32 PM

January 19, 2005

I can't believe I hit double digits!

Well, I'm a nerd! But these questions are so swayed. I think I'm a bigger nerd in other areas.

community | By katiek | 2:58 PM

I heart School

I guess it's just going to take me a while to get jaded toward the ritual of school, but it's feeling pretty good now! My teacher finally got us our syllabus, after two classes without, and did a run through of what's goin' on. It looks like other than reading a lot of text that we may or may not discuss, most of our work is based on attending art shows/lectures and writing small summaries on them. Reading the arts section of the NY Times and a research paper, instead of a final exam, which is good for this pregnant mama because I can do it early! It seems that every third class our actual prof will be lecturing, on the other days we will be required to listen to other people lecture, or view art shows during our class period. The perks of a night class!! So scratch boring, repetitive lectures! Tonight I am going to attend an opening reception that is optional for our class but we can get extra credit for a short paper on it. The reception is for Process and Perception: Contemporary Works by Three French Artists. It goes from 7 to 9, but if it's just a reception than all I'm going to be doing is browsing around and drinking punch. Joel is like, "Yeah, go!! Get out as much as you want!" My husband longs for me to get out more, I'm such a nerd. Tommorow I also have a lecture, "Contemporary French Art"- International Panel Discussion. What's also great about these lectures is that I find my way around campus, and find out where all the lecture halls and galleries are. There is a student show open to anyone at KSU in April and Joel is like, "Dude! Get on that boat!" Ok, maybe not his exact words, but that's his tone, always.

As we were taking notes on the "Monuments of the Third Republic" last night, my teacher asked how many of us were Studio Arts Majors. Out of a class of over 24, only 5 of us raised our hands. Can you believe it? All Graphic Arts and Art Ed. Joel and I are curious how good the art will actually be coming out of KSU. I must admit I kinda don't care. I have never been one to find the bestest art school and run with them. You get enough of that competition in the real art world without getting graded. I also must say that I am so happy I have 3 years of college under my belt so I can jump into the classes I really want to take. Jenny G told me her schedule the other day and I realized,"Yes, no more English Comp, Western Civ, Psych 101, or Global Issues." I am an upper-classman--phew!

But I had no idea that going to school would put me in such a great place. I feel charged!! I was about to take my boy back to the hospital yesterday, he was driving me nuts! And I just kept telling myself,"Katie, you need a nap, some tea, and a good 2 and a half hours away from your boy!" That did it. I was chatty and happy and ready to read about Fauvism and Dada for another couple days while wiping my hands free of pasty oatmeal and kid snot. So bonus, I'm going to an art reception tonight. I don't know anyone yet, and I feel a little wierd: insecure and out of the loop, but it's what I need. Going to the movies is a temporary high, going out to eat sometimes makes me feel bad, but this is a gift- it exercises my brain and hopefully will lift this creative cloud off of me. I mean, I have a show I have to be working towards! YIKES! I also must admit that gestating this time around just isn't enough to bring great joy and mystery to my life. I love feeling Eden squirm in my gutt as I'm writing about the Great Exposition of 1900, but I know what's going on. Part of the down-side of being pregnant is it's a constant reminder that you are not your own. You are a mother, for a long, long time. You will always be that, everything else takes a back seat (as far as great ambitions go). I thought, "Yeah I can do all this," but in fact, it's not always easy for your heart to decide that. See, I will always feel the most complete when I am with my husband and children. Why should I feel different? It's a gift God gave me and some days I need a break (cuz it's hard hard work) but over all it's a joy that can't find a substitute. It's life, it's the real world. When you're in college you keep thinking about the real world. Now that I'm back I realize I have the real world and I need a break from it, but I'll always be there, matured in the real world.

Enough Yappin'

Today's Story-time drawing

fine art | By katiek | 2:38 PM

January 17, 2005

Personals

I feel I'm in a gap in life that shows me where I have been and where I am going. I see that what I have been is no longer, and where I am going is full of potential but will I fail? Will I jump at the challenge to exert all energy toward this potential? I like to tell myself that I'm practical, but isn't that just an excuse for laziness sometimes? "well, I would do that, go to that, spend time on that, but then this would suffer..." Something always has to suffer. That's why I have been split. A split person. Thinking of the things that are to come, or could come, and practically eliminating them from my life. And some of these things are good things. What if I have no money, what if they laugh at me, what if I get hurt, what if I screw up really really bad, after all haven't I screwed up before? Self-esteem is an ongoing battle. Just when I think I'm an adult with a mature look at the world, I shut out the truth and all my potential to thrive in it and I cry out in sophmoric tones. So what do I need to get this split, this gap to mend? What do I need to jump over to the other side? Who's hand will be there to meet me? What new friends will arrive? All I know is that Jesus, my God, has a plan for me. For little Katie, who has 2 kids and a home to tend. He has great gifts for me. But I have to throw away my practicality/laziness and trust Him. What great things are rattling at your brain? What joys lie ahead for you? Stop looking at the cliff and the deep gap and know that the gifts on the other side are yours already and the giver has a bridge that covers that gap, makes it less deep, less wide and He helps you to the other side. Rewards are His to give and He wants to give them to us. And those rewards are great, really great.

I spent more time crying this weekend. I think I hit more of the core this time. A season, a time that is dry, barren, it drives me to reach out in prayer and in the Word to find what God truly wants from me. Why didn't I go there first? Well, God doesn't beat you up cuz your late sometimes. We live in the misery until we get it right? Sometimes that's enough. So I'm really tired of the guilt, the misery. I don't want to carry it anymore. I'm a child of God meant to carry a light of truth with me, nothing else. Freedom sometimes is instant, sometimes it takes time. There is a difference between getting free, and staying free. I have been freed from a lot of fear, bitterness, and a few instant healings of sickness. But living in that testimony is not easy. The Prince of this world lies to us, I have been believing those lies. When I audibly speak those lies out I can't believe what I've said. "that's not true!" the Spirit within me says, "Katie, you know that's not true!" Of course Joel echoes this almost instantly. The Kingdom of God lives in me, and that's what I need to remember. I have to break my creative block. A lot of pain, and emotion has been stopping me from working. I need to seek His face and receive a new (song) picture. Anything is possible in Christ, anything. What is that anything for you. Think big, really BIG!!

the spirit within | By katiek | 4:27 PM

January 12, 2005

This post was for Wednesday...

I just realized I've been posting like every day this week. Crazy. I guess I just get tired of trying to squeeze all my thoughts and events for a few days into one post. And this way, I get to post more silly information that might make you laugh at me or just remember how simple life is when you're a mama. I use simple loosely here...

So I went to school last night! hehehe. I felt like I was breaking into a secret club of people who actually had time, the program, and the potential to finish a degree! Joel snickered last night as we were in bed,"Six credits a year for 10 years and you'll be done!" My husband is hilarious. Honestly I think Joel is waaay more excited about me going to school than I am. I guess when you're gestating that's always the thing that's in the center of your brain. That's why I hope I can sit through lectures, keep up with reading, and critique with veracity without having "pregnant moments". My prof was kinda a stereotype, which makes school (especially art school) so much fun. She was well dressed and put together but she rabbit trailed with that typical 'high learned, society, aire' her eyes fixed someplace above all of our gaze and a confident laugh that made her charming in a plastic sort of way. I couldn't keep the slight grin off of my face, knowing that this would be a life altering semester for me. Tommorrow I go back to class for a lecture by a collector of French textiles. There is a small show from this collector in the Fine Arts Gallery of KSU and we are to attend, view, critique, and take notes on this exhibit. Sounds amazing don't it. I can't help but laugh. Also this semester we will have 2 to 3 field trips. One to an ATL gallery, and a ATL museum, and possibly another collectors house. Also this semester on KSU campus there will be an installation of three French artists sculpture/performance art. My prof seemed a bit nervous and excited about this seeing as they've never done this before. We also are to go to a French play on campus called 'Roland's song'. Joel was pumped as he skimmed through the flier my prof gave me about KSU events,"This is gonna be so fun!" He looks forward to seeing these things too, "You'd never get this in Chattanooga," Maybe not. God knew just when Eden needed to be born and just when her mama had to go back to school.

I got a bunch of little girl clothes at the thrift store today. Josiah seems to like them. The pretty stripes and funny characters on some. I told him, "I hope you like them just as much when they're on your sister!" I've been roughly sketching a pattern for Eden's wall quilt. It is pretty rough still, all freehand and I didn't have a full set of colored pencils. I also had to share them with Josiah, so I had to use the ones that he wasn't using. Thanks for everyone's comment on Eden's middle name! I must say I like Berit as well. It's just unusual enough. One of our teacher's in Norway-his wife's name was Berit and she was stunningly beautiful!

Here's Josiah's quilt for anyone who hasn't seen it. I want Eden's to be different, but match thematically.

Oh and my little brother, Kirk Ward, has a blog! Worship in the City. Read about a music director's life at New City in St. Louis. My brother is an amazing person. He has always been so smart, so bright and his intellegence carries into every aspect of his life (as well it should) but to see him working in music with this massive brain of his is very impressive. I guess when you grow up with someone and see them become a mature, fruitful, member of society makes you swell with pride!
He also married a great woman, Sarah Jean, who is making his life wonderfully complete! I don't always expect to know what he's talking about all the time, but I always learn something from him. It's a great experience.

family | By katiek | 4:41 PM

January 11, 2005

I haven't been to school since 1999

Tonight is my first class. I went out today to Staples and Target and got myself a notebook and a bookbag. There are some nice notebooks now man! Everything you could possibly want! I got myself a grey, Five-Star Spiral notebook that has a black nylon sleeve over the spiral. It has a pocket in the front with little compartments for index cards and little-er cards.
It's Sweet! As Nap. Dyn. would say.Maybe I'll draw a Liger tonight as my prof lectures. The thing I'm most nervous about is telling my prof I'm 6 months pregnant. I mean, she can do the math! My due date is over exam week. I hope Eden doesn't some early. I really don't want an Incomplete. I'll probably have a time getting to class too. Parking and walking (eventually waddling) to class, ugh.

One of the things that set off my downward spiral on Saturday was an actually enlightening visit to artist Laura Bowman's house. She lives down the road and she makes pretty art. Very pleasing, sellable art. Not very challenging I must say. And I think she knows it, she told me she'd like to have time to get more creative. She mass produces, she gets giclees, cards, she has a website, a three ring binder with show information from past, present and future shows, another binder for contacts, another that is her portfolio. Does she have a BFA? No, she studied art therapy. Her portfolio consists of something very simple. She takes digital photos of her work, crops them on her photo software and prints them out on photo paper-a full 8 1/2 by 11 sheet. The image is centered small and quaint in the middle. She slips them into clear binder sheets and sticks a label on them with the info: title, media, size, year. Her portfolio is a black 3-ring notebook, no frills. She said when she sends her work to galleries she prints off 10 to 15 pieces and puts them in a nice, paper folder with pockets and mails it. "Galleries want to see your work right away, if they have to pull it up off a CD ROM they put it to the side." This woman had a ga-gillion pieces. The binder was packed. That's probably why I cried, I have very little to show. She lives in a big beautiful house with a new husband and no kids. I like my life better, and I will have more work when I chip away at it hour after hour.

Some fun bits:
Josiah astounds us with his verbage. He now sings alomst all of "Old MacDonald had a Farm". The knees and toes part of "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Can resite the last few pages of "Go Dog Go" with me. And the best part is he sings along with Bono during U2's song Vertigo. He comes in at the "Yeah Yeah Yeah!" part. I know one day all his jabbering will be really uncomfortable at points but right now it's all fun!

family | By katiek | 3:18 PM

January 10, 2005

When I left I was healthy

These past few days have been a battle in between the various recesses of my brain. Joel used to poke fun at me, and sometimes still does, because of my slight hypocondria. I used to be so filled with fear that I was going to die or was dying. I give God the glory today because for years now I have been healed from intense, life-stopping fear, panic attacks of a mild form, and on top of that I just don't get sick as often. The power of the mind and faith keep you well?

I seemed to have forgotten about one major symptom I had during my pregnancy with Josiah. I had serious mood swings like I have not encountered before. I guess I might have had some similar during my teens, and some while on the Pill. But while Josiah was in my belly I had bone crushing cries. I would lay on the floor and sob an sob, nothing could pull it together. I just thought it was a reaction to my circumstances, which were not fun altogether. But after this weekend I'm realizing that I am having some depression during pregnancy. I'm not thinking horrible things, but I am unable to stop crying some days. I spent an hour and a half in bed on Saturday sobbing. I couldn't maintain. In fact we had a friends over and I couldn't come downstairs because I was so out of sorts. That's aweful, I don't like it. I am not building this up because I have seen it go away after post-pardum. I talked it over with Joel and honestly told him what I thought. Made sure he was understanding. But it is a self-diagnosis, and that's all it need be. I'm still bathing, eating, smiling, taking care of my son. I just have triggers and when there are a few on one day it sets off a small spiral. After reading Dooce and French Toast I don't feel so bad about admitting it. I hope that those people who have encountered the same or worse can take confidence. When I finally decided," This episode must end, my God didn't make me this way, it's time to go to Him 100%" I sat in my bathroom and prayed, but mostly moaned, and knew that God was there, bringing me back, holding me together. I changed my clothes, washed my face and went downstairs. Spent 45 minutes with our friends before they had to go and apologized for my absence.

I went to my midwife appointment today. I'm 23 weeks and 4 days. That's 6 months pregnant. Blood-pressure good as always, iron good, and weight, well I gained 8 lbs. I'm just praying that Eden is under 9lbs. Please Lord. It was interesting because for the first time the Nurse Prac. found Eden's heartbeat then lost it and picked up mine. It was a funny sensation. Whoop whoop whoop real fast then a very different thump thump thump that was slower. I didn't panic because I had been feeling Eden summer-sault the entire time I was waiting to go back (thanks to my latte). Movement is good. The Nurse Prac. grabbed my wrist to make sure it was my pulse and it was. No worries, Eden's fine and thank God my uterus is not bigger than normal. That'd be a big baby sign.

We had a bit more to do this morning than usual. Midwife appt,. post office and grocery shopping and of course our walk. Jos was a trooper today; A+ toddler! During our walk I started feeling bad. My eyes get real tired and I see spots. This is very rare and lying down with my eyes shut makes it go away. Seeing as I had a 2am Friday night with the Perkins and an all day cry fest on Saturday, I'd say my eyes are tired. But it's bad when I have to keep my kid away from cars and my periferal vision is almost gone. I got him into bed and the symptoms were almost gone, no more spots just eye weakness. Lunch did wonders. But as I'm recovering from annoying tired eyes all of a sudden my fingertips go numb. Ugh! I start to pray because I feel panic shoot though me like," I knew it! I do have an inoperable brain tumor!" I started thinking about how I should have major medical insurance just like my Mom says. The numbness goes away as I'm remembering I read about this in none other than What to Expect .... Pregnancy can sometimes bring about mild to annoying carpel tunnel syndrome. It brings numbness and sometimes pain to the thumb to ring finger and sometimes up the arm. That's just what happened. It was less than a 10 minute experience. I happens because of the fun fluid retension. Oh yeah, I loved having fat fingers. I really don't think I could get my rings off this time. So I stood up shook my hand out and prayed, "Lord, take care of Eden," and I said the 23rd Psalm. He brings me back. No need to have faith and panic right? Well, I want Him to bring me back, to his breast, as often as possible. There it is warm, safe and full of love. I am ever greatful for my heavenly Father who can make me remember that womb-like security whenever I need it.

Which middle name do you guys like better? They are both Norwegian in origin and we can't decide. Berit- glorious or Vivica (Vivika)- lively

the spirit within | By katiek | 3:20 PM

January 6, 2005

A Bachellor's in Fine Arts

I am 28 years old. I was married when I was 22 and have 2 kids (one in the tumm). I have no paying job, I'm a full time mommy. Phew! Yet last night as Joel and I ate our Chicken Divan we talked about my BFA. We examined the course listings and thought out what would be excepted and what would not. I have 99 credits, 3 1/2 years of college, and Associates Degree in Arts and the HOPE will cover 127 credits. Only 123 are needed for my BFA yet I will have to take another 54 (?) in order to graduate. 6 of those credits are foriegn language. Too bad Norwegian probably won't fly here in Georgia . If only I was in Minnesota. We moan about why there aren't more options at night or on the weekends. But why the heck would a working adult be going for a BFA? That's why all those healthcare and business admin. classes are offered at those times. A BFA. Wow. One day I will have one. And on that day I will walk across a stage with kids 5 years my junior, possibly pregnant again and wear that stupid hat and sit through a gazillion other names until they call mine, "Kathryn Ward Kutson" yes, they will say it wrong.

Joel just shakes his head and says, "you're going to be such a better artist!" He's right. Not because I don't have the talent, or knowledge, but because I will have hours and hours and hours of painting and drawing under my belt. Practice makes perfect. Some souls do not need a BFA to become very very good artists. But I was born to be a great student, I love being a great student, so why not go to school?

I was at the bottom of the registration list. Last priority. And so the class I wanted was full, closed. But I did what I could. I got ahold of the prof (can you believe it?) and she asked me what Art History I had had, "Art Survey 1 and 2"
"Perfect!! I'll fill out the forms and get them in first thing tomorrow morning." There you have it. This pregnant 28 year old non-grad mommy is going to take 20th century French Art this Spring. Let's hope Eden comes after my exam.

fine art | By katiek | 3:30 PM

January 5, 2005

New Things

The New Year brings about thoughts of New Things but I can't say that resolutions are in my mind at all. In fact I think resolutions give us a mindset that we could fail. Joel was bemoaning resolutions he has made last year and had not fulfilled. One of which was a new job, that's a tough one to resolve! But anyway, this year no resolutions. Just overall awareness. When I am by myself for too long I forget what I need to change and this past week I have had some rude awakenings. My husband is a gift from God, but he has become more militant in his desires for change resently. This is good since Joel is not one for conflict 24/7. His desires are good and a true sign of a spiritual leader, not just for our family but for our future community. Changes on my part have been humbling because I have to fight against my nature which for course is not inherantly good. Children bring out parts of you that you never really wanted to see. Having a toddler brings out alot of those things at once. I have become less afraid, but not any more willing to change.

I'm a big time loner. I could be by myself for days on end and be OK with that. It's not healthy over-all and I need to stretch myself more often with people I don't know very well. Leaving my home town 3+ years ago has brought this drudge to the top. Leaving the Vineyard last year has brought a whole new level of drudge into the picture.
Things that have sparked these things:
1. Our friends likelihood for divorce and the hostility that ensues
2. Going to an awesome church with a concrete hard social circle that's hard to chisel into
3. Distance from stuff
4. Stupid integrity sometimes
5. Josiah's need for social time, at least twice a week

Cool New Things that God has brought me:
1. School-one class twice a week
2. A local professional artist, 8 years my senior, living 3 minutes away and has invited me to work with her and get tips
3. Story time at the Cobb Co. library
4. Josiah's 2nd Birthday

Laura Bowman has been coming in for physical therapy at Joel's work and my painting "Jerah" hangs on the wall there. Through a short series of events, she has invited me to come and see her studio and possibly work with her whenever it's possible. It's exciting, because I need a few things to start my engines again. I have a show in the future that I need tons of new work for and...oh yeah, I'm having a baby. hmmm.

I'll register for the one class I can take this semester in an hour or so (have a scheduled time). I think my only option is 19th century French Art. Registration has all kinds of things that could go wrong, so I'm just praying that it goes as smoothly as possible because I really believe that God wants me to go to school.

By accident Josiah and I made storytime at the Cobb Co. Library. I wanted to spend a little bit of this morning thrifting for little girl clothes (I've finally caught the bug!). But storytime was too attractive to pass up. It wasn't as golden as it could have been, but it was really good to go. Josiah was more interested in things he couldn't touch than things he could, but over-all all the kids were his age and going all over the place.
The woman leading storytime commented,"I love storytime but it jumpstarts my biological clock a little too much." I was thinking, "I'd swear off kids after days on end of storytime!" Chaotic, upset children that are not paying any attention to what you are trying so hard to do. But I guess that's why I'm not a teacher. Josiah loves the library though. We didn't have time to stop there yesterday except to drop the books off in the drive-through bin and he had a melt down as we drove away, "BOOKS!" His favorite part today was the book racks which made a very good tunnel/fort.

| By katiek | 2:59 PM

January 3, 2005

A Rare Occurance

We headed back up to Chattanooga for New Years and had the rare opportunity to get together with some of our oldest friends. This is indeed unusual since we haven't all been together since Jen Green Kring's wedding last December. Fun was had by all even though we all are showing our age. We didn't drink much, two of us were pregnant. Children were left with grandparents and we sat around a somewhat lit fireplace and watched Napolean Dynamite, a new fave with all of us. 2am was the bedtime for us all.

Before the large fest, our little fam went over to our friends, the Englishs and had lunch with more lovely people. Josiah had a blast with all the kids. Englishs have 6, the three Dreckmyer children were there and Dana and Jane Monahan. Good fellowship and yummy homemade, eat-with-your-hands food.

The morning after there was discussion amoung the families there about buying land and building. We scoped out the property, children in tow, to see what they would have to build on.

Josh and Juden Green

Everytime I go up to Chattanooga I realize that the community I long for is not there, nor is it here. There are friends that I love dearly, but are not in my present day. I pray that time and loyalty and patience will bring that community about. Two or three years in one place sure doesn't guarantee a community, but I wish there was more to be had than what we do have. It's hard work, and although I haven't been a slacker, I feel as though there should be something by now.

As I change and become who God wants me to be I feel the growing pains, and it's not just my belly. I know that I have challenges to face this year, but they are nothing I didn't have before. God doesn't promise that life will be easy, I know that full well, but I sometimes feel like it shouldn't be this hard.

I went to recharge at my UK connection, the Blacknell's today. Alex and her clan were there to treat me to some humble hospitality and some tea with low-carb goodies. They gave us a free, barely used car seat that will fit Josiah hopefully until he's 3. I would say longer but they height limit is 52" and my son is already so tall, the little sprout. Alex also gave me a few girl clothes, they are well loved and I love that. I'm kicking myself I didn't get a picture of their boys Jed and Ben. I'm a putz, with a new digital camera kept convieniently in my purse the whole time. Their girl's Anna and Libby are delightful and as I get older I enjoy older children so much more. The Englishs broke me in! I'm thankful God has taken away so much of my fear. I realize that although community with the Blacknell's is not realistic I feel so comfortable there. Alex seems to know what's up before I even decide to talk to her about things. I miss having older friends like Jenny and Tim English and the Blacknells. There is something so grounding about being with those who have the time and desire to give to you advice and comfort that you don't realize you need.

| By katiek | 4:46 PM